Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beholder

I have a couple of confessions to make.The first is that I harbor a touch of nail-envy for people with naturally strong, beautiful fingernails.

You know who you are. You’re the ones who “complain” about how darn fast your fingernails grow and what a “pain” it is to have to clip them so often.

Please forgive me if I don’t feel empathy for your plight.

I have very thin fingernails that break, split and peel way too easily. I accepted long ago that I will never have beautiful nails. I’m fine with it. Most of the time.

I’ve tried all the nail strengthening/hardening/growing products on the market. Take my word for it – save your money. They don’t work. You’re either born with strong fingernail DNA or you’re not.

I’ve tried the glue-on fake nails. The result is always the same. No matter how good they initially look, they eventually fall off. And never at the same time, which would at least make some modicum of sense.

I’ve had professionally applied acrylic nails, which certainly have more staying power than the glue-on variety. But the problem with those is if there’s the teeniest little irregularity in one of the nails, or if the manicurist leaves the slightest sliver of my own nail exposed on the side, I’ll pick the heck out of it until I’ve ruined the entire thing.

That’s right. You’re hearing it here first. Straight from my very own keyboard.

My second confession is that I’m a hopeless nail picker. And a voracious biter, as well. No matter what I do I can’t stop.

I’ll never be able to stand up in a Nail Biter’s Anonymous meeting (Is that even a thing? I have no idea) and say, “My name is Mai Stone and I’m a nail biter. But I’m proud to say that I’ve gone 30 days without a fingernail in my mouth.”

Never. Gonna. Happen.

There. My secret’s out and I feel so much better.

However, accepting this about myself, and sharing it with anyone in cyberspace who happens to come across this post, doesn’t change the fact that I still feed to the all-knowing Oracle Google phrases like “glue on nails that will never, under any conditions, ever fall off” or “acrylic nail solutions that actually work for hopeless nail pickers.”

In doing so I’ve managed to come across some of the most atrocious looking nails in existence, some of which I’m posting here for your perusal.

Once you see the photos below you may never be able to unsee them. Remember, I warned you.

 


hideous_nail_01
hideous_nail_02
hideous_nail_03
hideous_nail_04
hideous_nail_05


 

Who wears these things?! And why? And I’ll just go ahead and ask the question I know must be running through your mind right now. How in the heck do they manage to _____________? (fill in the blank as you see fit)

And can someone please explain to me the purpose of stiletto nails? I mean, other than as weapons.

 


hideous_nail_06
hideous_nail_07
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Am I the only one who immediately thought of these two guys when looking at that last photo?

freddy krueger
wolverine


Now, if you are someone who happens to find any of these nail styles attractive, or have even worn or are, at this very moment, wearing any of these nail styles … please accept my apology for calling them atrocities. I really do get the premise behind the sayings “Different strokes for different folks” and “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

But, for real, those stiletto nails. One wrong move and you could put out the eye of a beholder with one of those things.


And then there’s this. For which I have no words. At all. Which, for me, is rare.

hideously long and gawdy finger nails

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About Mai Stone

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs…jolted by every pebble on the road.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher ~ A sense of humor is essential for surviving the pebbles on life’s road. Especially when they’re the size of boulders.
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2 Responses to Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beholder

  1. Nails like that restrict one’s ability to have any kind of full life. My thin nails and short manicure have opened up my world to gardening, building, cooking, massage, knotting rugs, sewing, and being able to pet animals and shake people’s hands without having to take them to the emergency room.

    No to mention all the money I’ve saved in nail polish. Fuck.

    Like

  2. See, that’s what I’m thinking. With nails like any in this post what do you do all day? Just sit around and . . . what? Look at them maybe.

    Like

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